We went for our routine and final exam with our RE this morning. As soon as he inserted the wand (for internal ultrasound) he was very quiet and kept looking at the clipboard in the assistant's hand. He then asked if this was my first pregnancy and I started to panic. He said, "Everything looks fine, but there is no heartbeat". My heart started racing and I looked at Craig. We were both in shock! I asked the doctor if maybe he was just missing it because of the baby's position. He said no and even turned the doppler (like an EKG) on. No heartbeat. It has obviously been a very, very difficult day for us. You all know how much we have been through and we were really celebrating this baby already! The doctor is stumped as well as our nurse. No one saw this coming. In fact, last week I asked our doctor if it was okay to tell the whole world about our news and he said everything was looking great and it was time to tell everyone. So, of course, last night I posted an announcement on Facebook for the world to see. Ugh.
We were given the choice of either "letting nature run it's course" or having a D & C. The advantage of the D & C is we may be able to get answers about what happened, while letting nature run it's course is non-invasive. We have opted to have the D & C, which is scheduled for next Tuesday. It's a surgical (no incisions, vaginal only) procedure done at a hospital where I will be put under and our doctor will go in and remove the baby. He will then be able to run tests to possibly (not 100% guarantee) tell us what went wrong.
Today has made us realize several things:
1. We are not ready to give up on IVF
2. We will not be telling the whole world we're expecting until much later next time
3. A pregnancy does not equal a baby
4. We have an amazing support system in our friends and family!! :-)
4 comments:
Oh Nicole. I'm so sorry. We definitely waited until later with the girls out of fear. It's a tough choice. Have people mourn with you or mourn alone but not have other people hounding you. It's a tough choice. I'm glad you're not giving up. We're here for you.
We are all so sorry and so very shocked and saddened. Stay in touch with your feelings and allow yourself all the time you need to get through this. You and C-Diddy ARE meant to be parents.. I'm just sure of it.
I'm here for you night or day.. just let me know as each day comes if there's someth I can do to comfort you in ANY way. LOVE U TONS, mom
I just want to say Nicole that you have really inspired me in all of this. I'm so incredibly in awe of you and this is exactly why I just know you're meant to be a mom. (and Craig a dad). I'm so glad you guys aren't going to give up. However, you may need a vacation of some sort before your next cycle...say, to the east coast? Just sayin'. In all seriousness though, I want you to know that I was very angry at the "supreme being" for you, so you don't have to worry about a thing. Again, I'm always here if you need to rant, bawl, joke around, or talk about something completely un-related (like great nail polish colors). Jon and I love you guys so much and just want you to be okay. At very least, go treat yourself to a spa weekend. It'll be good for your body and soul.
I just wanted to tell you that talking to you yesterday made me realize how very brave you are. You have been through so much and still retain your ability to share your feelings, remain open and positive, and to laugh(perhaps most importantly). I am so very impressed with you my dear friend, I am not sure I would hold up so well in a similar circumstance.
Through this and whatever comes next I am here for you. Looking forward to shopping therapy in the near future.
Love, Ivy
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